CABLE ADDICT

I’M BACK BABY DOLL!  After surviving a full year without cable, I couldn’t take it any longer and I caved.  I’d like to think that I was purging myself of the negativity…..but I was just being cheap and I didn’t want to give Charter the satisfaction of grabbing me by the…..uh, lady parts…..over both internet AND cable.  I finally reached my last sympathetic straw with Charter after months of waiting on the phone and yelling at them for my internet connection being down for days at a time (one time for a full 3 weeks!), and when they finally offered to pay my bill last month for the inconvenience, I took the money that I saved and switched to AT&T U Verse.

Boy did I get an adrenaline rush from telling off Charter, err, actually a timid girl named “Rachel”, who pleaded with me to stay and offered me a $12 6-month internet special.  “It’s not about the money,” I sneered, “I’m sick of the lying, being inconvenienced every week, the bad customer service, and the poor technician skills and availability.  I had to buy a new modem and pay for techs to come out to “quick fix” my connections every week.  A lot of money went down the drain because of you.  Why should I stay?  You people don’t care.”  “I care” -Rachel squeaked.  Lol Ok, I was being an asshole about it, but I was 5 months way past being agreeable.  “Sorry Rach, but it’s time that I cut the chord.”  Ok, I didn’t really say that because I’m not that cheesy, but in my head I said it……while lighting up a cigarette at the same time; the flame and curling smoke reflecting in my aviator sunglasses.  Fantasy Jen is such a badass.  No but for real…..smoking is bad for you.

Just thinking about sitting on the phone with another cable company made me break out in a sweat, so I filled out my applications online this time for AT&T U Verse.  Not reading the fine print and jumping to the assumption that “basic” cable meant the same thing to every cable company, I chose the basic cable package and high speed max plus internet with the 18 Mbps download speed.  I have no idea what that actually means, but it’s fast enough.  Days before the installation appointment I received messages and emails to “prepare” me for the big day.  I would normally find it annoying, but if you’ve dealt with Charter as long as I had, you’d welcome a countdown to the divorce.

Installation day…….”Doug” showed up on time with a big smile on his face.  I felt bad for the guy because he had to rewire everything from the street, through my crawl space and then hook up the 2 receivers……in the rain!  One thing I noticed that Charter never bothered with is that he wore protective covers on his shoes so he didn’t track any dirt in my apartment –I REALLY liked that.  3 hours later and a brief list of troubleshooting tips so I wouldn’t have to call a tech every time for an easy fix, Doug was finished.  The built anticipation was glorious and I cleared my schedule for the day –planning to drown in my sea of channels.  And that’s when I discovered that “basic” was a fistful of Spanish channels, infomercials, and PBS.  Not cool.

I was feeling betrayed after I checked the website and was informed that the cable package that included my favorite channels (FoodNet, Green, Tru, SyFy, HGTV, ComCen, CartoonNet, Travel, Discovery, TBS, and Fashion –plus the sitcom stations like ABC, CBS and NBC), was $40 more a month than I thought AND the $200 installation fee was waved if I had signed up for it in the first place.  Expecting to wait forever on hold and a fight over the $200, I was surprised to hear an actual voice after only 2 minutes of smooth jazz.  Her name was “Michelle” and I explained to her my frustration.  I heard her click her mouse a few times and then “Ok, you’re all set.”  “Wait…..all set with what?”  “You are officially upgraded to the package you want, the installation fee is waved and you should receive your channels in 20 minutes.  Can I do anything else for you today?”  I was speechless.  All of my problems were solved in 10 minutes.  That ALONE is worth the extra $40 a month for my digital cable.  With Charter I would have been on the phone for a solid day; bouncing around to different departments, respelling my name and getting yelled at for not knowing the correct military lingo –Alpha, Beta, Charlie….whatever, and then at the end of the day I still wouldn’t have a solution….just a “be patient, it’ll be up soon” or a “a tech will be out next week to fix it” and a larger bill.

In conclusion –AT&T U Verse = GOOD.  Charter cable = I hope you die in a fire you worthless son of a whore!  Side note…..I turned on my tv as soon as I got home just as Iron Chef “Battle Clam” was starting, and ended the night with “puppies dressed in lingerie” on Conan.  Ahh…..just like old times.  Great to be back!