I'd like to deticate this blog entry to Amber Evenstar, because this is exactly the sort of conversation we would have while baking Christmas cookies.
I don’t know about you, but my commute to work and back home again has been much happier since I tuned into Coast 103.5 recently (“official soundtrack to your holidays”). Christmas music is a nice distraction from the crazy traffic, but because I have the time to sit in my car and listen to my fav Xmas classics for an hour, I’ve been really listening to the lyrics. Ever notice how most Christmas songs (except for most of the religious ones) are very filled with some pretty upsetting innuendos? Well I have…..and here are some of those songs, and some comments/memories on some other Christmas songs I've been hearing lately:
Baby It’s Cold Outside -“say, what’s in the drink?” is suggesting that our Mistletoe Romeo has spiked or drugged Juliet to get into her Christmas cheer if you know what I’m saying. *wink*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -“what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night” –oh silly Mommy and her holiday whoring around!
It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas -no comment on the lyrics, well, maybe that it cements gender stereotypes when referring to the types of toys the male and female children want, but I have no beef with that; I’m a traditionalist. But I do have this quirky memory of this one year where my dad had this song stuck in his head for the entire year and he’d break into song every week or so, sing the “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” part, and then would hum the rest to himself. My mom, my sister and I would raise one eyebrow, look at each other and shrug. So now every Christmas I think about that when I hear that song…..or even in anticipation of hearing that song. I always thought it was hilarious, and I can’t imagine having a Christmas song stuck in your head for a full year.
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year -“There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago” –uh…..ghost stories on Christmas? Sweet, count me in! Also, “with the kids jingle-belling” –that sounds like slang for something devious…..
Christmas At Ground Zero -…….this song is just awesome. Period.
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth -“Everybody pauses and stares at me, these two teeth are gone as you can see. I don’t know just who to blame for this catastrophe” -beware kids –especially if you live in an abusive household! If you act up or cause trouble, “someone” is getting their teeth knocked down their throat…..I like the mouse version where he slides down the banister too fast and breaks his teeth…..hey mouse, is that also your excuse for that back eye, or did you walk into a door too?
The Little Drummer Boy -“the ox and lamb kept time” –how did they do THAT?! Those are some musically talented farm animals.
Winter Wonderland -let me get this straight, our Twinkle-toe Romeo won’t pop the big question, so he’s stringing our Juliet along with fake snowman ministers and dreaming by the fire? I don’t think so….dump him and get a real man! Preferably one who chops down his own Christmas tree and doesn't make excuses when it's time to shovel the snow off the driveway.
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer -shiny red nose? That isn’t a miracle –I think Rudolph got into Santa’s scotch. I bet next you’re going to tell me the story of how “Ernie The Dilated Pupils Elf” helped Santa meet his toy quota for the year.
Blue Christmas -thanks Elvis, like I wasn’t having a tough time as is being single on Christmas, you have to hit us all with a wrist-cutting “I’m so alone” song? Perk up singles; it’s Christmas! You should be feeling happy –people are doing great things for each other because of the holiday season! You’re just hurting yourself by being depressed…..get off your lazy ass and do something nice for a friend or neighbor. Sorry.....Christmas pet peeve tangent.
Christmas Shoes -I JUST SAID we don’t need another depressing Christmas song……and this one makes me cry every time, so I change the channel whenever I hear it. Not to mention a friend of mine who’s mom was dying, bought her Christmas shoes and my heart breaks every time I think about it.
Holly Jolly Christmas -“Oh ho, the mistletoe, hung where you can see. Somebody waits for you –kiss her once for me!” -mistletoe has always intrigued me. Not because you are supposed to kiss under a parasitic plant that is often spread through bird feces, but because a boy and a girl never just meet at a party and suddenly realize they are standing under mistletoe, like in the movies. No, either it’s a sad and desperate loner waiting under it to be kissed, or there’s a stalker close by lying in wait for someone to walk under it, oblivious. No magic; just a lip-rape waiting to happen.....and some inappropriate FaceBook statuses bragging about it soon after.
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas -well that’s just silly. But it’s my sister’s favorite Christmas song (second to, of course, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer).
Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer -my apologies if your Grandma really did get run over by a reindeer…….this must be a really difficult time for you and your family.
Last Christmas -This song is a warning to us all; don’t let Christmas be your excuse for falling back into old, abusive relationships just because you’re lonely and you think there’s magic in the air….that’s just the cider talking. You don’t “need” a fling to “last” you over the holidays…..you just need some good friends and maybe more cider. Mmm cider. BTW I had the BEST non-alcoholic apple cider yesterday at Fresh and Easy –go buy some like RIGHT NOW!
Santa Baby -Ok, OBVIOUSLY this is the “striptease” music of the holiday season…..and everyone sings this song like they are desperate for some Christmas lovin…..I thought Macy Grey’s “smoker’s lung” version of this song was the worst until I heard Madonna’s version the other night; she sounds like a coked-up tween from the Bronx! My ears are still crying…..
Suzy Snowflakes -This year was the first year I’ve heard this song. It’s so annoying! Did someone argue for women’s rights against all the male Christmas figures? Because Suzy Snowflakes tapping at your window asking “come out ev’ryone and play” with her just sounds like a peeping-tom prostitute; not very woman’s lib.
This Christmas -Fireside is blazing bright, we're caroling through the night. And this Christmas, will be a very special Christmas, for me yeah. Ooh yeah, yeah yeah, alright, yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah, alright now, right now, now” -……..do I even need to comment on this one?!
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